Can you actually get a dismissive avoidant ex back?
Short answer: Yes. Dismissive avoidants come back less often and more slowly than other attachment styles, but it happens regularly, including to Benny Lichtenwalner himself early in his coaching career. The pattern is rarely a straight line. Expect a longer no-contact window, a pullback right when things seem to be working, and a real chance it takes more than one attempt.
Yes, and I know because it happened to me before I ever coached anyone else through it. I’m Benny Lichtenwalner, author of How to Get Your Ex Back, and years before I turned this into a coaching practice, I went through it myself with a dismissive avoidant partner, without knowing what attachment style was or why any of it worked.
What Actually Happened With My Ex?
We moved fast, in together within a few months, and things slowly cooled from there. By the end she’d pulled away for reasons that weren’t fully about me, and the breakup came out of nowhere. I didn’t know the term “dismissive avoidant” existed. I just knew that chasing her directly wasn’t working, so I moved out and went properly no-contact for about a month.
It worked, in the sense that she came back around and we went on a date. But it wasn’t a clean, one-shot fix. She broke down before we even got somewhere private that night and called it off again. I didn’t push. I gave it space instead of arguing the point, and within the week she came back a second time, on her own, asking to get back together.
Why Wasn’t It a Straight Line?
| What happened | Why it happened (in hindsight) |
|---|---|
| No-contact brought her back the first time | Distance let her suppression wear off enough to miss the relationship |
| She broke down and called it off again mid-reconnection | Dismissive avoidants often panic at their own vulnerability once it starts to show |
| Not reacting or pursuing brought her back a second time | Giving the retreat room instead of chasing it kept the dynamic intact |
| The relationship ended again later over an unrelated jealousy trigger | Avoidant discomfort with closeness didn’t disappear just because we’d reconciled once |
What Does This Mean If You’re In It Right Now?
- Expect more than one cycle. A dismissive avoidant coming back once doesn’t mean the work is done. Treat the first reconnection as fragile, not finished.
- Don’t argue with a pullback. When mine broke down and called it off again, the instinct was to push back and explain why she was wrong. I didn’t, and that’s specifically what let her come back a second time on her own.
- Hold the line on not chasing, even after contact resumes. Reconnecting doesn’t mean the no-contact instincts stop mattering. Over-reaching right after a good moment is still the fastest way to undo it.
- Know the limits. My situation eventually ended again, not because the method stopped working, but because the underlying pattern, hers and mine both, hadn’t actually changed. Getting someone back isn’t the same as fixing what broke it the first time.
What Would I Tell Myself Back Then?
Not knowing attachment theory cost me time and a few unnecessary scares. If I’d understood that her distance came from suppression and fear of conflict rather than indifference, I’d have worried less during the parts that looked like rejection but weren’t. That’s the whole reason this is worth learning before you’re in the middle of it, not after.
Related questions
Why do dismissive avoidant exes take longer to come back?
Because their default response to conflict is to suppress the feeling and create distance, not process it and move toward resolution. That suppression takes longer to wear off than it does for other attachment styles, which is why a 30-day no-contact window usually isn't enough.
Is it normal for a dismissive avoidant to come back and then pull away again?
Yes, and it doesn't mean the attempt failed. A dismissive avoidant can reconnect, get scared by their own vulnerability, and retreat again before settling. Treat a pullback as information about pacing, not as a verdict on whether this is going anywhere.
Does it take understanding attachment theory to actually pull this off?
It helps more than almost anything else. Without it, a dismissive avoidant's silence and distance read as rejection, which pushes most people into chasing right when space is what the situation actually calls for.
What's the biggest mistake people make with a dismissive avoidant ex?
Treating ambiguous signals as a verdict. A short reply, a slow unfollow, going quiet after a good conversation, these usually aren't answers. They're a dismissive avoidant managing their own discomfort, not a final decision about you.
Should I just give up if a dismissive avoidant ex pulls away a second time?
Not automatically. A second pullback is a reason to extend the timeline and tighten your own discipline, not proof it's over. It only becomes a reason to stop if your ex tells you directly and repeatedly that they're done.