# I was the one who broke up with my ex, but now I want them back. What do I do?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/i-broke-up-with-my-ex-but-now-i-want-them-back/

**Short answer:** If you haven't already reached out and been turned down since the breakup, skip no-contact entirely and reach out directly. There's no reason to go quiet on someone who doesn't know you've changed your mind. If you have already reached out and been rejected, treat it the same as being the one who got dumped and run the full system.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, and this situation comes up more than people expect. You ended it. Weeks or months later, you want it back. The playbook is different from the standard dumpee version, and running the wrong one costs you ground you don't need to lose.

## What to do if you were the dumper and want your ex back

The first question decides everything: have you already reached out since the breakup and been turned down?

1. If no, skip no-contact. Your ex doesn't know you've changed your mind, so going silent just reinforces the story that you wanted out.
2. Reach out directly and say plainly that you've been thinking about things. No long apology, no list of what you'll fix, no pressure for an answer on the spot.
3. Let them respond before you plan anything further. Their reaction tells you which path you're actually on.
4. If yes, you've already reached out and gotten a no, treat yourself the same as a standard dumpee. Full no-contact, then the regular re-entry approach once real time has passed.

## Why being the dumper changes your odds

A person who changed their mind after ending a relationship usually still holds some of the frame they had going in. They weren't rejected. They're not working from a position of having to prove they're wanted again. That's a real advantage, and it's easy to burn through it by over-explaining or apologizing repeatedly once you decide you want them back.

## Dumper vs. dumpee: how the approach differs

| Situation | What to do |
|---|---|
| You're the dumper, haven't reached out yet | Reach out directly, no no-contact needed first. |
| You're the dumper, already reached out and got rejected | Run full no-contact, then standard re-entry. |
| You're the dumpee | Run full no-contact from the start. |

## What NOT to do as the dumper who wants them back

- Don't send a long message explaining everything you've realized since the breakup. Keep the first message short.
- Don't apologize repeatedly for ending things. One honest acknowledgment is enough.
- Don't ask for an immediate answer about getting back together. Open the door, don't demand they walk through it on your timeline.
- Don't treat their calm response as a yes. Read it as an opening, not a guarantee.

## A composite case

One client ended a relationship over a disagreement that felt bigger in the moment than it turned out to be. Three weeks later, he reached out plainly: no groveling, just an honest "I've been thinking about this and I don't think I made the right call." She responded, and they talked it through over a few conversations instead of one big reconciliation moment. A different case waited two months, assumed no-contact was the move since that's what he'd read about everywhere, and when he finally reached out his ex had already moved on emotionally from a breakup she'd never actually wanted to begin with. Being the dumper doesn't mean you have unlimited time. It means the clock runs differently, not that it stops.

## When silence after you were the dumper still makes sense

The one case where you should still go quiet as the dumper: you've already told them you want them back and been told no, or they've made it clear they've moved on. At that point, continuing to reach out starts to look like pressure, and the standard no-contact-then-re-entry approach is the better path forward.