# How do I get him back?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/get-him-back/

**Short answer:** Before you try to get him back, check whether the relationship had real compatibility, or you just miss the routine. If it's worth trying, stop all contact this week, skip the explanation, and spend the next few months fixing the actual pattern that broke things instead of waiting by the phone. The same steps work for getting her back too.

Before anything else: getting him back starts with a harder question than "how," and that question is whether it's actually worth it. I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*, and the people I've coached who succeed at this almost always answer that question honestly before they do anything else.

## Is It Actually Worth Trying?

Run this check before you spend months on a process.

| Sign it's worth trying | Sign it isn't |
|---|---|
| You miss the actual relationship, not just having someone | You mostly miss not being alone |
| The breakup came from a fixable pattern (bad timing, unresolved conflict, distance) | The breakup came from contempt, repeated betrayal, or years of the same fight |
| You can name specifically what you'd do differently | You can't say what would actually change |
| He's shown ambivalence, not certainty, about ending it | He's told you clearly and repeatedly it's over |
| Neither of you has moved on with someone else, seriously | He's engaged, married, or genuinely settled elsewhere |

If most of your answers land in the left column, the process below is worth running. If they land in the right column, [is the breakup really final?](/answers/is-the-breakup-really-final/) is the more honest next page to read.

## The First Week

1. **Go no-contact today.** No texts, no calls, no liking or viewing his social media. This isn't a game to make him chase you; it's the only way either of you gets real distance from the day-to-day pull.
2. **Don't send an explanation.** "I need space" or "I think we should stop talking for a while" feels considerate. It's still contact, and it keeps the conversation open instead of actually closing it.
3. **Remove the temptation, not just the willpower.** Mute his stories, put his contact somewhere you won't see it by accident. You're not trying to prove you can resist checking; you're removing the input entirely.
4. **Write down, honestly, what broke it.** Not the version where you did nothing wrong. The real version, the one that tells you what actually needs to change.
5. **Tell one person your plan.** Not for accountability theater, but because the itch to break no-contact hits hardest alone at 11 p.m., and having someone to call instead of him matters.

## The Months After

Once week one is done, the process is a longer arc, not a checklist you finish in a weekend.

1. **Hold no-contact for 30 to 90 days.** Longer if he's a dismissive avoidant type or the breakup involved real damage. The [no-contact rule guide](/guides/no-contact-rule/) covers the mechanics in full.
2. **Do the actual self-work.** Fix the pattern you wrote down in week one. This is the part that determines whether re-entry leads anywhere, not the message itself.
3. **Send one re-entry message.** Once you can send it without needing a specific reply back, keep it short, warm, and pretext-free. Full wording guidance is in the [re-entry message guide](/guides/first-text-to-your-ex-after-no-contact/).
4. **Match his energy, don't outpace it.** A good reply isn't a green light to flood him with plans. Let the rebuild move at the pace he's actually showing you, covered further in [the five rules](/guides/five-rules/).

For the complete, month-by-month version of this arc with all the mechanics, [how to get an ex back](/answers/how-to-get-an-ex-back/) has the full breakdown.

## What Not to Do

Don't beg, plead, or send the long message explaining your feelings. It moves the decision onto him in a way that feels like pressure, not love.

Don't try to make him jealous. It reads as exactly what it is, and if it works, it works on his ego, not his actual feelings for you.

Don't recruit friends or family to talk to him on your behalf. Change he sees firsthand carries weight. Change he hears about secondhand doesn't.

Don't restart the clock with a "just checking in" text three weeks into no-contact. Every reset means starting the space over from zero.

## What This Looks Like in Practice

A composite of cases I've coached, details changed. One person spent the first two weeks of no-contact still drafting texts they never sent, genuinely unsure if they could hold the line. By week six, the urge had mostly faded, replaced by actual momentum in their own life. The re-entry message, sent in week nine, got a warm reply within the hour.

Another held no-contact the full window and did real work on the pattern that broke things (matching effort instead of over-pursuing), but the re-entry message got a friendly, final response. That wasn't the process failing. That was the process producing a clear, honest answer instead of months more uncertainty.

Both are the real range of outcomes. The work is the same either way: get honest, get space, get better, then find out.