# Can exes be friends?

> By Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of "How to Get Your Ex Back".
> Canonical: https://bennylichtenwalner.com/answers/can-exes-be-friends/

**Short answer:** Rarely right away, and almost never as a strategy to get back together. Friendship attempted too soon just keeps both people attached without resolving anything. Real, lasting friendship with an ex is possible, but it usually comes after months of real space, once the romantic pull has actually faded or the relationship has genuinely resolved one way or the other.

Rarely, at least not right away. "Can we still be friends" said in the first weeks after a breakup almost always means one of two things: someone is trying to soften the exit, or someone is trying to keep a door open without calling it that. Either way, the friendship isn't really a friendship yet. It's an attachment wearing a different label.

I'm Benny Lichtenwalner, breakup coach and author of *How to Get Your Ex Back*. This question comes up constantly, usually right after a split, when staying close feels like the kind thing to do. It rarely is, not yet.

## Why does early friendship usually backfire?

Because it keeps both people in contact with someone their nervous system still treats as a partner, without any of the space that actually lets a breakup register as over. You get the closeness without the resolution: still texting, still checking in, still first in line for their good and bad days, minus the relationship that made all of that make sense. That half-state is harder to move on from than a clean break, and it's harder to rebuild attraction from too, if reconciliation is actually what you want.

## Is "let's be friends" ever honest?

Sometimes. It's honest when neither person is holding out hope and both actually want the other person's life to go well from a real distance. It's not honest when one person suggests it to avoid the discomfort of a full goodbye, or when it's a way to keep access to someone without doing the work of either reconciling for real or letting go for real.

| Friendship attempt | What's really happening | What to do instead |
|---|---|---|
| Right after the breakup, "let's stay close" | Softening the exit, keeping a door open | Take real space first. No contact, not a downgrade to friendship |
| A few months out, still checking in daily | Attachment habit, not friendship | Ask honestly whether you'd feel this way about any other friend |
| A year or more out, low-key and easy | Often genuine, if the pull has actually faded | Let it be what it is |

## Does staying friends hurt your chances of getting back together?

Often, yes, if what you actually want is reconciliation. Friendship gives your ex all the benefits of your presence with none of the pressure to decide anything. Real space does more for your odds than staying close ever will, because distance is what lets attraction and missing you build in the first place. If you want your ex back, a friendship right now competes with that goal instead of serving it.

## When does real friendship become possible?

Usually months out, sometimes longer, and usually after one of two things has happened: the romantic pull has genuinely faded on both sides, or a real reconciliation attempt happened and either worked or didn't. Trying to build a friendship before either of those is settled just keeps the old relationship running under a new name.

For the space that makes any of this possible, [how long should no-contact actually last](/answers/how-long-should-no-contact-last/) lays out the real timeline, and [how to get an ex back](/answers/how-to-get-an-ex-back/) covers what to do with that time if reconciliation is the goal.